179 Days Without You
by CrimsonxEyes
Summary: Sora is gone from this world now. This is a collection of journal entries, detailing Riku's journey through it all. All 179 days of it.
1. Dear Sora

Dear Sora,

You've been gone for a week now. I haven't been dealing with it very well. So far this entire week I've been cooped up in my room. _Our _room. Roxas and Axel have been trying to set me up with a therapist to help me cope and forget about you. But that's not possible. I can't possibly forget you. You're all I ever think about. Your spiky hair that seems to defy gravity for some reason, your smile that brightens up the room and everyone in it and your aqua eyes that I love. I can't forget you Sora. It's not possible. I don't want to forget.

Roxas and Axel are worried about me. Even I'm starting to worry about me. The therapist is worried about me too. That's why she gave me this journal, so I can write down my thoughts. I'm suppose to give it to her so she could read it but I feel weird doing it. However most if not all my thoughts are about you so maybe that's why I feel weird giving it to her to read. I don't want her to invade my private thoughts, my thoughts about you.

I'm pretty she'll read this eventually. But the truth has to come out sooner or later right? She never specifically told me what to write, but just that I have to write. So I'm writing to you. I hope you don't mind. I want you to know how I've coped with it.

I'm going to tell you how it's been without you here with me. How I feel all day. Everyday will be written down in here, starting from day one, a.k.a the day you left this world. The day I lost my perfect angel. The day...I became broken.  
**  
** Love,  
Riku


	2. The Beginning of My Journey

**The First Ten Days**

**Day One:**

I woke up early like I do every morning, expecting to find you curled up by my side. But when I turned over, the bed was empty, and you nowhere to be spotted. At first I brushed it off, thinking you woke earlier than me and went off to make breakfast or something. But the lack of noise throughout the should have discouraged me, I apologize that I didn't pay mind to it. I should have known, I should have stopped you.

When I finally got up from bed, the silence of the house rattled me, and that's when the nerves began kicking in. I felt light-headed walking through our apartment in search for you, my knees growing weaker with every step.

After searching for you all over the house, that's when I collapsed onto my knees. Tears started flowing down my eyes. This pain then erupted in my chest. I started pounding the floor in anger. This was exactly what happened when I found you. But I don't blame you. I never have. Instead I blame myself. I was the cause of all of this.

**Day Two:**

Your family was there. We were all there. I hugged you mother, trying to comfort her while she cried her eyes out that her little boy would not be coming back, and all the while trying to hold back my own tears. You have your mother's eyes. When I held head up to tell it was going to be okay, I saw those aqua orbs. Those same aqua orbs that I missed seeing on you.

Axel was taking care of Roxas. I think Roxas took it the hardest out of your family. He was screaming and thrashing about, refusing to believe his twin brother had left him. Tears were flying all over the place. And it soon became hard to tell who's tears belonged to who.

Throughout all this crying, I could remember images of two days ago. I remember standing on the sidelines, watching them take your lifeless body out on a stretcher. A white sheet was covering you, so I was unable to see your face one last time. The last that I saw of you was your lifeless hand dangling out from the side.

I refuse to believe you are gone. I still refuse. You can't be gone. You can't leave me here on this world, alone.

You coming back, right? I hope you do. Everyone and everything are all fucked up now. I miss the way things use to be. I miss the way everyone used to smile. Now hardly anyone smiles anymore. I especially miss your smile. The smile that always warmed up my heart.

**Day Three:**

Silence. That was what can be used to describe today. In face any day after the second day has just fallen silent. There were no words to say, and there still isn't any.

Today Roxas also calmed down a bit. He's still quiet though. All of us were. All today we just sat on the couch. Tears slipping down our faces the entire time. As I sat on the couch I realized it was empty. The spot next to me was always taken by you. The spot were we use to cuddle when we were watching movies. The spot where you use to hide your face into my chest when you were scared.

So that day was spent wasted on our own pitiful thoughts, and wondering what we would do, now that you're gone. Come back Sora. Please?

**Day Four:**

I found your not that day. The familiar sight of your handwriting drove me to tears. I couldn't find myself to share it with anyone.

Aerith visited me that day. I think it was a Tuesday, maybe a Wednesday. I really don't know, I stopped caring about that kind of stuff a while back. I couldn't find myself to care.  
I refuse to do anything now. Everything I do usually ended up reminding me of you. I refused to watch TV too. You had made it onto TV. They did a story all about you called "Local townboy commits suicide." All that was about were just predictions on why you had done it. It was so degrading. I hated the way they talked about you. But I knew why, so I didn't want to hear about others did you leave? Well, I know why. But I just can't wrap my head around it. I ended showing your mother the note. I know you meant it to reach my eyes, and my eyes only, but I felt she had the right to know. She cried Sor. She cried a lot.

**Day Five:  
**  
We finally began arranging your funeral that day. I don't know if it was a bit too early or a bit too late, all I know is that nobody wanted to do it. Nobody wanted to accept the face that you were gone. You were gone from my life. You were my everything you always brightened up my day when I was sad. You always made me laugh with your dumb jokes. You always made everyone felt so happy to be around you. You always put everyone else first. I miss that about you. I miss everything about you.

**Day Six:**

I showed Roxas and Axel the note that day. Well, I didn't exactly show them. I left it wide open on the kitchen counter, and Roxas came across it. He walked into the living with tears violently streaming down his face. He confronted me about this and asked me why I didn't show him any sooner. I didn't give him an answer. He got mad at me and slapped me. To be honest I deserved that slap. I deserved a thousand, no a million slaps for how I was treating you. After he slapped me, he yelled at me some more. He yelled at me for being selfish. And he blamed it all on me.

Axel tried calming him down. But truth be told I don't blame him for being angry. I was angry at myself too. I was angry at every part of myself.

**Day Seven:**

A week has passed. A week has gone by without you in my life. It felt an eternity. I spent the whole day, again cooped up in my room sleeping. Well I didn't exactly sleep. I just laid there crying. Remembering all our past memories together.

**Day Eight – Ten:**

I decided to put these three days together into one big entry because not much happened in those days. Roxas still refuses to talk to me, and I don't blame him. Axel tried to his best to talk to me, but I had became distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you really weren't there any more, and that began to worry him.


	3. Journey Continued

**The Next Twenty Days**

**Day Eleven:**

I probably should have said in the last entry that by day nine we finished arranging your funeral. Two days later and there I was, standing cloaked in black over a deep hole in the ground. Where you would be forced to remain underneath for all eternity.

It was open casket. We all knew how much you loved attention. Even when you weren't at your best. Everyone agreed it was probably best, and to be honest I did too. I wanted to see your face one last time, before you would be forced into your dark prison.

I cried again that day. Hell, I cried everyday since the day you left. But that day was much worse. When they were placing you in the hole, I almost ran over to stop them. It took the combined effort of Roxas, Axel and my dad to hold me back. I dropped to my knees crying my eyes out. I wasn't able to stay strong at your funeral. I'm sorry.

You must be disappointed in me. I know you've always thought of me as strong. But that's only when I'm with you. Now that you're gone, I don't know what to do with myself. I was slowly dying inside. Everyday a part of me is lost. Never to be found again.

It was a long service. I embraced every single member of your family. Apologizing and muttering incoherent words. Roxas and Aerith held me the longest, and we sobbed into each others shoulders. I pulled away from Roxas and stared at him for a long time. I told him how much he reminds me of you. He's a very handsome kid Sora, I promise to take care of him.

I promise to take care of your mother too. She had always been like a second mother to me anyways. When I hugged her, she whispered something into my ear that I will never be able to forget, and I really hope she wasn't lying to me.

"He loved you, you." She whispered, and pulled back with a slight painful smile on her face. She walked away before I got a chance to reply, leaving me speechless, before I broke down sobbing again. Axel had to carry me out to the car and I resisted. I didn't want to leave you.

**Day Twelve:**

I'd just like to say that I wasn't willing to go to therapy. But Roxas and Axel insisted that I go. I went, but I didn't like it. I hated coming here. The therapist poked and prodded for information, asking me how I felt and what my thoughts were. I didn't like the invasion of privacy. My thoughts were meant to stay hidden. Not end up in here. But here I am, writing to you. I can sometimes feel you, you know? It's like you're watching me. Instead of being scary like I imagined it would be, it's actually quite comforting.

**Day Thirteen:**

Today, I feel... empty. But I guess that's just what comes from losing the person you love right? Namine read over my journal last night-did I forget to tell that my therapist's name is Namine? Oh well, it is.

She seemed disappointed in me, but I couldn't find myself to care. She told me to stop writing these entries, but I told her it was actually helping me. In a way it is. I feel as if you're here with me, reading everything I jot down.

So back to today. I didn't do much to be honest. Axel came over, and we watched a couple of movies to try and return back to the old days. We decided to watch Toy Story. It was your favorite. When we finished Toy Story, Roxas stopped by. He apologized for snapping at me a while back. I forgave him. The three of sat there on the couch and continued watching movies. All three of us had fallen asleep there.

**Day Fourteen:**

It's been two weeks now. These past two weeks have been the worst. Everyday I feel even worse then the last. Everyday I felt a pain in my heart. As if something was missing. Actually something was missing. You. Why can't you just come back?

**Day Fifteen – Eighteen:**

I'm sorry I forgot to write an entry for the past few days. To be honest, I haven't even left my bed. I'm just so tired. I guess you would understand, since you're asleep for an eternity now. Was that rude to say? Sorry. I don't know what happens after you die, but some have said it's just a world surrounded by darkness. God, I sure hope you're not sitting in darkness Sora, you deserve to be bathed in light with the angels.

Maybe you could be my guardian angel, and watch me as I sleep sometime. I hope you are. I hope you're always there to protect me. Anyways, back to the previous days. As I said, I've just been so tired. I haven't left my bed. All I have to accompany me is my laptop. I hope that where every you are, your doing well. Also Axel has been visiting quite a bit. I think he's the most worried about me. I used to be the one who always smiled. Now I hardly ever smile. I don't know if I can ever be able to smile again.

**Day Nineteen ****and Twenty:**

Roxas and Axel stayed over the past two nights. They're both sleeping on the couch now. It feels good to have people with me. When it's just me, it feels so big and empty. I think I may have the boys sleep over more often. If that's okay with you.

I just don't want to feel alone anymore. I'm lost without you.

Oh, I broke up with Kairi a while ago. In case you wanted to know. The day I found, you actually. I just haven't had the courage to write it all down. You should just have held on for one more. One more day, then you'd still be here with me. We could finally be happy.

**Day Twenty-One:**

Therapy is torture. I'm not getting any better. Namine keeps telling me to give it up, to stop writing these entries. She says "they're aren't helping me," But I can't stop. If I stop, i'll feel as if I betrayed you.

And I can't let you down again.

**Day Twenty-Two:**

Namine asked about the note today. I don't know why I was quiet about it all this time. When she asked, I couldn't fight back the tears. I reluctantly handed her the crumpled piece of paper. Is it weird that I carry this thing around? I can't throw it away. It's one of the last remaining things I have of you.

**Day Twenty-Three:**

Today nothing much happened. I stayed on the couch watching movies again. This time it was Cinderella. You'd always use to love Disney Movies. You always called me your Prince Charming. I missed that. And again, today I felt that pain in my heart. The pain of missing you.

**Day Twenty-Four:**

I went outside today. For what seems like the first time in all of eternity. Eternity. I've been using that word a lot lately. Fitting as it describes this whole situation. You're gone forever. Which in turns is the same as eternity.

Anyways, I walked along the streets of the island for a long time. Inhaling the places you once walked into my senses. Imagining that you were there with me, holding my hands.  
**  
**Roaming around the city, I reluctantly agreed to visit your old home. When I arrived at the door, Aerith welcomed me with wide arms, along with Roxas, who I struggled to pry off me. For someone that skinny I didn't expect to be that strong. I swear he has the upper body strength of a gorilla or something.

We had a talk over coffee, and I asked her how she was doing. They're holding up the best they could Sora, but it's hard for all of us. Don't feel guilty though, they'll pull through. It's just me that I'm not so sure about. I'm the one who should be feeling guilty, and when I told her this, she refused to listen to me speak like that and that if I were going to put all of the blame on myself then I should just leave.

I walked right out the door.

I don't think she expected me to leave. I heard her calling my name through the front door. But I just ignored her as I raced to my car. _Our_car. I was crying so hard that I had to pull over on to the highway, receiving blaring horns and cold stares as people passed by. But I didn't hear any of it. All I could see was you. All I could hear was your voice talking to me, and that was enough to calm me down for the rest of the drive home.

**Day Twenty-Five:  
**  
I spent the entire day in bed. I ignored every call, every text Roxas or Axel sent me. They eventually came over and started pounding on the door and started telling me to open up and just to talk to them. I just ignored them.

**Day Twenty-Six:**

As I emerged from my room this morning, I found Roxas sleeping outside my doorway. He looked so tired and hopeless that I began to cry. I did that to him. I did this to everyone. I had sucked the life out of everyone. All because I was selfish.

It seemed my crying woke him up. Seeing me cry he started crying too. He pulled me into a hug. Roxas gives great hugs. I held onto him for a long time, not once hearing a complaint or feel him pulling away. We both sat there, hugging each other and crying. And in that moment, I felt closer to Roxas than ever before.

**Day Twenty-Seven:**

It's coming closer. In three days it will be a month. An entire month since you've been gone. I find it hard to wrap my head around this. It felt just like yesterday that you were just full of energy and laughing and having such a great time.

This is real, isn't it?

**Day Twenty-Eight and Twenty-Nine**

Axel and Roxas stayed over again. This time we ordered Chinese food and sat on the couch watching movies again. I ordered the Mandarin Chicken, because I knew that was your favorite. I remembered all those times when we use to order this and you would make me feed you. You were so adorable. I miss you Sora. A lot.

**Day Thirty:**

The boys and I spent the entire day in silence. Refusing to answer any texts or calls made our way. We didn't even talk to each other. We just sat there, in silence. It wasn't the uncomfortable silence, this one felt nice. We sat around the apartment all day watching old Disney movies, your favorite. We sat huddled together, grasping onto each other and trying our best to fight back the tears. However after so much fighting, all of us broke. Sniffles echoed throughout the apartment. Tissue was being littered everywhere. We were a sorry sight to see.

But this was the closest I've ever felt with them before.


	4. Days Past

**The Next Fifty-One Days**

**Day Thirty-One:**

I guess that up until now, I have had this thought in my mind that you were coming back, and that this was one all big terrible nightmare I was having. I could just image this being one big horrible dream I'm having and any minute now I would wake up and turn to see you lying there next to me, smiling like you did every morning.

But I'm starting to realize that you're not going to come back.

Today I didn't even know what to do with myself. I think Roxas and Axel knew that I would want to be alone, so I wasn't bothered with texts or calls, and nobody stopped by our apartment to see if I was alright. I appreciated. But to be honest, they were probably off mourning on their own as well.

I spent the entire day sitting in your favorite chair, staring blankly at the television as I drank the pain away. One beer lead to another. After the fifth one I dropped to the floor

**Day Thirty-Two:**

Sora I did something bad today. But I felt the rush. It felt nice, I watched as the blood slowly creep out out my hand. The million of glass shards littered the floor. I don't know what had made me snap like that, but I couldn't bear to look at my reflection any longer. My once shining silver hair, turned into a dull gray color. Dark circles covered the bottom of my eyes. I looked and felt like a zombie.

I punched that mirror, punched it harder than I ever punched anything in my life.  
The pain from the cuts were only temporary, and I soon felt a wave of excitement come over me. I felt the rush, and I liked it. I liked the feeling of controlling my own pain, instead of having being planted on me for.

I was in the middle of finishing cleaning up the cuts when Axel walked in, saying he heard a loud crash when he suddenly stopped, and stared at my hand. He stared at my hand then the shattering mirror and then my face. He immediately dragged me out of the bedroom and forced me into his car and drove me to the hospital.

**Day Thirty-Three – Sixty-Five:****  
**  
After going to the hospital and getting bandaged up the boys started getting worried about me. Roxas and Axel thought it would be best to check me into the hospital's mental ward for a bit. At first I was against the idea and tried to run away but the doctor took me there anyways. I was thrashing about and swearing and everything, it wasn't a pretty sight. One of the doctors came from behind and jabbed me with a needle. After that everything started going black.

I woke up the next day in the center of a white room. It was just a simple square room with a bed. That's where I spent the rest of the days. I sat on that bed, staring at the wall. My face was emotionless. But I swear to you, that while I was in there I could hear you giggling. Like you used to do before.

After a month in my white prison, I was released. I immediately headed home and went straight to bed. I didn't bother with contacting Roxas or Axel. Oh did I mention they visited me a lot? Well they stopped after the twenty-fourth or was it twenty-fifth? Well they stopped by to check up on me but I didn't really say much. I just sat there and stared at the wall. I guess they're starting to give up on me.

**Day Sixty-Six:**

I'm hungry. Yet I can't find myself with the energy to eat. I've lost weight a lot of it actually. The boys try to make me eat but I can't seem to keep it down. I've also fainted on occasions too. But I'm fine though. I'm just not that hungry.

**Day Sixty-Seven:**

The boys won't let me out of there sight anymore. They stay with me and make sure I finish my plate of food. But no matter how hard I try I just can't keep it down. It hurts my stomach. I don't know how much longer I can take with this torture of eating food. Everything tastes so bland, yet my stomach rumbles for me but I can't go for more than just a couple mouthfuls.

**Day Sixty-Eight:**

I'm not allowed to leave the apartment now. I'm also been put under weight management. The boys have been keeping a close eye on me and are trying to help me gain weight. They started apologizing too. They apologized about how they should have paid more attention during the first month. This went on and on for quite some time. I told them I understand their griefs. But I don't need babysitters. But it looks like I'm stuck with them from now on.

**Day Sixty-Nine:**

The feeling to relieve my pain is coming back again. The itch to just punch something made of glass is slowly taking over me. It's impossible to give into it though with two pairs of eyes constantly watching me like a hawk. Roxas and Axel haven't left my apartment in three days now. I don't think they're leaving anytime soon.

**Day Seventy:**

I'm back at therapy now. The boys found out I've been skipping sessions and ignoring Namine's calls. They say it's the best thing for me, and it will help. I don't think that though. Going to her makes me hurt even more. The way she makes me reveal memories of us together.

So here I am, writing this entry to you in front of Namine. She's been scolding me the whole time. At first she told me to stop writing but since I refused to stop she let me. She says these entries are bad for my health, because if I try to talk to you when you're not here, there's no point in healing.

I don't want to leave you behind. I don't want to forget about you. I just can't do that. I love you. And I always will.

No one understands.

**Day Seventy-One and Seventy-Two:**

Namine took my journal last night so I wasn't able to write anything. Yesterday was pretty eventful though. I spent the entire day with Axel, Roxas, Tidus who brought along his girlfriend Yuna. It was pretty awkward between us. We watched movies together that night. It was Sleeping Beauty first. Watching it reminds of all those times you didn't want to go out of bed and you pretended you were Aurora and made me kiss you to wake you up.

After we finished watching Sleeping Beauty, we watched Snow White. Watching this also reminded me of you. You had always talked about trying to find you significant other. You were always dropping hints to me. Why was I so blind?

Today Roxas found my journal. When he asked what it was, I snatched it from him. I then started yelling at him. I'm sorry. He was in such a fragile state. I should have been gentler. I went to far and he was left in tears. Axel arrived minutes later and started scolding me about my behavior.

"You need to move on Riku. We're all torn up about it, but you don't have to take your pain and frustration on everyone else! You need help but you're not letting us help you!" When he finished I slammed the door in his face. I was through letting lecture me about how to live my life.

I'll let go when I'm ready to. I wish you were here right now, comforting me.

**Day Seventy-Three:**

Axel didn't talk to me today. I don't think he wants to talk to me again anymore. I'm starting to lose interest in being friends anymore. People only like to hurt us. Like I hurt you.

**Day Seventy-Four – Seventy-Six:**

I woke with a horrible headache that morning. I figured I probably got drunk the night before because I couldn't remember anything. When I left the room, I found Roxas reading the paper. When he saw that I was awake, he turned and gave me a slight smile.  
He patted the spot next to him, signaling me to come sit over to him. I went over to him, I sat across from him instead.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. I don't know what made me do it but I regret what I said next.

"Where's Sora?" Suddenly tears began flowing down Roxas's face. He left the table and went over to the couch and started crying his eyes out. I was going to ask him what was wrong. Then it hit me. You were gone. You were never coming back. I know I've said it plenty of times but, I had never believed it. I realized it now.

I quickly ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I forgot what happened next. Now I'm here writing to you in a hospital bed. Both my hands bandaged up. It's not like I'm sick or anything. But everyone keeps looking at me like I am. I feel like at any moment, I could break.

**Day Seventy-Seven:**

I saw my mother today. For the first time in who knows how long. She's been so worried about me. I haven't talked to her in so long. I woke up with her crying with her hand over her mouth. She looked over my frail thinning body. I told her not to cry and everything was going to be okay but she cried even harder. The doctors pushed her out of the room before she could reply. They told me rest was the best for me. They were wrong, I don't need rest. I need you.

**Day Seventy-Eight:**

I had a dream today. It was about you. I saw your face again. I miss those bright blue eyes. Fuck, Sora I'm starting to forget what you look like. Sure, I can look at pictures, but pictures don't move, or laugh, or blink. They're just captured memories. But my memories are beginning to fade. It may just be the medicine kicking in, but they're beginning to fade. I can't lose the remaining fragments of I have of you. When I awoke I found Roxas sitting on my bed. He was probably trying to talk to me or something. I didn't hear him. I was focused on my last few fragments of you.

**Day Seventy-Nine:**

I'm trying to keep calm. I really am. But this hospital is driving me crazy! They won't let me leave. I keep insisting that I am better now, but they tell me I'm underweight and stressed out. But locking in this room is stressing me out. I'm not even stressed out anymore. I'm just bored. Will you please talk to me? I miss your voice, Sora.

**Day Eighty:**

The doctors say I could leave today. They say I should spend more time with my friends and family. It's not that I don't want to see my family, I miss them like crazy. But I can't leave our apartment. I can't go away from the place where we had so many great memories together.

**Day Eighty-One:**

I reluctantly agreed to spend time with my family. After an hour of my mom crying, she finally smiled after I said I'll go with her. They say it's the best for, spending time away from here. So here I am, writing this entry next to an empty suitcase. As I was digging through all of my stuff, I found that old locket. Yeah remember that? You gave it to me when I graduated. On the back it had our initials carved on it. I could feel tears falling down my eyes as I pressed the button on the top, opening the locket and revealing the picture of the two of us down by the beach, where we were sharing the Paopu fruit.

I was staring at it for quite a long time and finally found the strength the close it and continued packing.

**Day Eighty-Two:**

I didn't want to drive to my mom's house. I decided to take the train instead. The train station was rather crowded, and loud noises were banging in my ears. I'm trying to make my way through the crowd of people and it's rather hard. It's like a swarm. I'm wearing the locket to. I needed a memory of you while I was away. I'm wearing your old shirt too. It fits me quite well. Which was strange since I was always two sizes bigger than you. I guess its due to all the weight I've lost.

I'm leaving our apartment today. The apartment where we shared so many memories. From our many food memories, to our cuddling moments, to our mini celebrations. Ones that I'm slowly beginning to forget each passing day because you're not here. We could have made more, had you stayed with me. As I step onto the train, I turn around and waved my final goodbyes to the city, a single tear falls down my eyes.


	5. Happiness?

**Forty Days More**

**Day Eighty-Three:**

After a short train ride, I arrived on the other side of the island and returned home. I settled down into my old bedroom and began unpacking my stuff. My mom hasn't let me out of her sight. I'm beginning to feel suffocated like I did with Roxas and Axel.  
I love my mom, but I need my own space and time to be alone. Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo and Fuu are all happy to see me and were glad to have me back. The four of them woke me up today by dog piling on me and making me laugh. It's the first time I had laughed in long time.  
This might be good for me

**Day Eighty-Four – One Hundred-Seventeen:**

Yes, I know this is a lot of days to squeeze into on small entry, but I don't want to bore with every single day I spent mucking around with my family. Because really, each day was spent the same way. I would wake up to Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo and Fuu dog piling on top of me forcing me to wake up. We spend a good few minutes laughing and then wait until breakfast was ready. Politely, I always declined, causing them to slip away in disappointment. Sleep would capture me for only a little while longer. My mother would always burst into my room, a plate full of food in her hands and she would sit at the edge of my bed until I finally scarfed down every last bit of food on the plate. She then would leave my room quietly with a smile on her face. I guess it felt good making her smile, but after every meal I ate I would always feel sluggish, which only made me want to sleep more. Of course, that wasn't allowed, and by eleven o'clock I was always dragged away from the comfort of my sheets to the part or the store or some other place Fuu wanted to go. The four always alternate days, Fuu went first, then Kadaj, followed by Loz then Yazoo.

Fuu always was into medieval weapons, which was a strange thing for a girl only in ninth grade to be interested in. She always would take me down to the local metal smith and we would look at the variety of metal weapons they had down there.

Kadaj took me to the music shop near our house. He was very passionate about music and we would always go and look at instruments down there. He was very good at almost every instrument. On one of our trips, he found this guitar that he liked and he was so excited to buy it but he found it out it cost over $500 he got discouraged and sad. The next day I surprised him with it and his face instantly lit up. He was so happy that he dropped what he was doing and ran over and hugged me for a good ten minutes. Keep in mind this is Kadaj and he never hugs anyone.

Loz was the athletic one in the family. He was always into sports even as a young kid. His entire room was filled with medals and trophies from his sport meet ups and championships. If you could think of a sport, he would be good at it. When ever it was his turn, we always went to the batting cages. I didn't mind though. We would spend hours there batting and he would never get tired.

When it was Yazoo's turn, he always took us out to eat. We always tried so many new foods. Yazoo always puzzled me. He eats about twice as much as everyone else and he's always hungry. Yet for some reason he still maintains a skinny and almost feminine figure. I think during my time with him, I ate more exotic new foods than I ever did in my life time.

My family misses you too, you know. There have been-very few, but some discussions about you. Mom won't talk about you for more than a few minutes, she thinks that talking about you will only hurt me. But to be honest, I feel a weight lifted off my back whenever I say your name. Yet at the same time, it hurts so bad. I don't know how to explain it, that's just the way it is.

Fuu came up to me one day, asking how I was feeling. I told her I was well like I did to everyone else, but for some reason she didn't seem to believe it like everyone else did. We sat for a while, talking about anything and everything until she made sure I was feeling better again. And to be honest, for a little while I did. But of course, good feelings never last long. Especially when you have a nest of guilt tucked away into your heart. For a fifteen year old, she's so mature for her age. She's going to be a great woman when she grows up. Too bad you aren't here to see her anymore. I gained weight and am finally healthy again, and everyone's happy about it. But I still feel empty inside. The weight gain has only added weight to my shoulders. I don't know if this is telling much of how those days went, but like I said, they were pretty uneventful. The pain had subsided for a couple of days, only to return once again. Needless to say, it didn't help as much as everyone thought it would.

**Day One Hundred-Eighteen:**

I'm on the train back to the Islands now, and let me tell you that I'm nervous. More nervous than I ever have been. I need a hug Sor. I'm scared to return to the flat. What if Roxas and Axel changed it while I was gone?

Well I'm home now. Sitting in our room. It's the same as I left it. I'm so relieved right now I can't even explain it. I'm just glad I won't have to sleep without a bit of you here with me.**  
**

**Day One Hundred-Nineteen:**

The boys came over today. It was the first time seeing them in over a month. They must have expected a more...happier version of myself-like I was before. Well, newsflash for them, I will never be that Riku again. I know that for a fact now. You took a chunk of me with you Sora. I'm only a part of what I was before. Now I'm broken, torn apart inside.  
Axel hugged me tightly for a while, crying tears of happiest and relief to see that I had gained weight. He claims to be happy that I was back, but I don't think they were. I'm the Riku he knew and loved, I'm a stranger. As for Roxas, he just stood in the back for a while and waited for Axel to finish. When he did, he immediately ran up to me and gave me a big hug. He cried the hardest.

**Day One Hundred-Twenty:**

You're birthday is coming up next week. You would have turned eighteen if you were still here. God Sora, I miss so fucking much! I miss waking up to your bright blue eyes. I miss playing with your spikes. I miss that sweet scent of vanilla and roses that was always on you wherever you went.

**Day One Hundred Twenty-One:**

I tried to fight the urge today. But the it had been calling at me for quite a while. I punched another mirror today. The sight of the crimson liquid oozing out of my hands fascinated me. I let it bleed until I felt numb. There was not pain, only a lingering calmness. I let it bleed until I slowly drift, into unconsciousness.

**Day One Hundred Twenty-Two:**

I realized that it's been a over four months without you. I'm nothing but an empty shell now. I live with no purpose and have nothing left in this world. The pain is never ending.

**Day One Hundred Twenty-Three:**

I pulled out your note again today. It was tucked away to the back of my bedside drawer. I was hiding it away from myself. But I just had to see your handwriting, and read the words printed on the page that I know by heart, words which I could recite in my sleep. I feel guilty now more than ever, as the pain of guilt is slowly beginning to seep through my soul once more. It's never left, but re-reading your note has hurt me in ways I never thought was ever possible. Kairi is long gone. I haven't called her back ever since I ended things. I can't believe it took you being gone for me to realize she wasn't what I wanted. You could have just told me. I would have dumped her then and there. I should have told you, I guess, but I wasn't aware of those feelings at the moment. All I can do is blame myself though. It's all my fault and it always will be.  
You're birthday's in two days. I got something special planned.


	6. Nearing The Finish Line

**Fourty Four Have Past**

**Day One Hundred Twenty-Four:**

I didn't visit your grave yesterday because I was just too scared. I'd realized that I hadn't seen once since the funeral and the guilt is slowly eating me away. I feel terrible. I feel completely, utterly terrible. I've been so selfish. I've always been so selfish. I've always thought about myself instead of you.

So here I am, sitting before your grave with tears running down my face. The flowers are fresh, there must be over four dozens of them Sor. People love you. I brought a single white Lily. I chose this specific color and type of flower because I read that it symbolizes purity. And that's what you were. Pure, Pure and innocent.

I hope it's enough. I didn't want to crowd the place but seeing all of these different flowers makes mine look pathetic. I gave it to you anyways, I set it right in front. I plan on staying here for a while, so I have a couple blankets with me and a bottle of wine. Red. That's always been your favorite. Right Sora?

I brought out two glasses and began pouring the wine into them. I set the glass onto your grave stone as an offering to you. "To you." I whisper quietly as I gently banged the glasses together and took my first sip. The sound of the glass hitting each other echoed throughout the entire cemetery.

I woke up still sitting before your grave today, only to realize that I had gotten myself drunk last night and passed out in the grass. You must be ashamed of me.

**Day One Hundred Twenty-Five:**

Happy Birthday Sora! I didn't forget about it. How could I forget? This is the day that you were born into this world. This is the day, the Earth received it's angel.

Today was a rather hot day, but I didn't mind it. I walked around the island, reminiscing about our past memories together. I first started down on the beach. I sat on the beach for a good while. I then headed over to our secret hideout. Remember that old place? Yeah we made that place so long ago. Wasn't it in second grade?

It didn't change over all these years. I slowly made my way through the damp cave and finally got to the back. It's still the same. I stood there and gazed at our many drawings on the way. One in particular caught my eye. It was a picture of the two of us. You drew in your hand giving me the Paopu fruit. I couldn't help but let out a slight chuckle.

I made my way over to the drawing and picked up a rock from the ground, and slowly began drawing in my hand. I drew in my hand giving you the Paopu fruit. Seeing as how you drew it to me, I felt it was right to draw it back for you.

After I finished in the cave I left to go to leave. As I stood up, I felt a little light headed, I brushed it off and continued on my way out. I went and bought Sea-Salt Ice cream from one of the stands on the islands. Sea-Salt Ice cream was your favorite. I bought two, one for me and one for you.

I went over to your grave and left the ice cream as your birthday present. Sorry I couldn't get anything better than a messily Popsicle. I sat there in silence as I finished the ice cream. When I finished I stood back up and started to leave. Suddenly that feeling of lightheaded came back. I brushed it off again and continued to head out of the cemetery. I don't remember anything after that as it seems that I blacked out.

**Day One Hundred Twenty Six – One Hundred Thirty-Two:**

I woke in a white room again. I recognized this room as I've been in this room numerous amounts of times already. I was back in the hospital. I tried to get up but I had all these tubes and wires running throughout my body, restricting my movements. As I lay back down, the doctor came in with Roxas and Axel.

They were both surprised to see I had awoke and both ran up to me. The doctor had explained to us that I suffered from a bad case of sun stroke. He told me I needed my rest so after quick goodbyes from the boys, I was forced back to sleep. I wish I could sleep forever and not suffer through all this pain I'm feeling now.

**Day One Hundred Thirty-Three:**

I returned to your grave again after I was released. I think it's going to start being a daily routine for me. I promise to bring you a new flower everyday, just so I can compare somewhat to all those beautiful flowers surrounding you. There are daisies, roses, violets and lilies. You loved lilies. I've been practicing the guitar lately and I decided to sing to you today. Remember how you told me you'd love for someone to sing to you? Well here I am doing it to you today. It's just that you aren't here to personally hear it. I chose the song Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. You always told that was your favorite song. You always told me that you wished to experience your own "teenage dream" with your special someone.

While singing the song, I slowly remember snip its of your voice. Your delicate and angelic voice that can soothe the souls of anyone.

I'm torn Sora. I really am. I don't know what to do anymore... I just want you to send me something. Anything at all. I just need a sign telling me if I'm doing the right thing or not.

**Day One Hundred Thirty-Four and One Hundred Thirty-Five:**

Sorry I didn't visit you yesterday. Roxas and Axel seemed to have different plans and dragged me to the beach with them. At first I was reluctant to go as I didn't want to suffer from a sun stroke again and end up in that god awful hospital again, but after the two of them begged me to come, I finally gave in.

The two of them ran across the sand and kicked a soccer ball around while I laid down under the shade on the grass. I laid there and watched the waves roll over the coast and thrash about on the rocks.

The whole thing was so peaceful and tranquil. I had almost lost myself in the scene when I heard a voice. Your voice to be exact.

"I love the beach Riku, isn't it beautiful?"

By then I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even answer, the tears and overcame my ability to speak. The boys quickly rushed over to my side, carrying me away as I screamed your name out, begging you to come back.

Today I spent the whole day with Roxas. We did what we usually did and watched movies together on the couch. We ordered out pizza and started watching more Disney Movies. I felt like watching these more and more. I'm still sorry I couldn't come.

**Day One Hundred Thirty-Six:**

I swore I heard your voice again today. In the middle of my showering, I could hear you faint hum of your voice as you sang in tune to Teenage Dream that was blaring out of the speakers. The voice was so beautiful and alluring. I found myself instantly entranced by it. I knew it was your voice from the second I heard it. You sound so beautiful Sora. Truly like an angel.

I visited your grave today. I brought along three lilies this time, to make up for the two days I missed. I hope your doing well, wherever you are.

**Day One Hundred Thirty-Seven:**

Roxas and Axel and thinking I'm slowly getting better. They think I've moved on. But the truth they don't know is that I've been hearing your voice, humming to me before I go to bed every night.

**Day One Hundred Thirty-Eight:**

I saw you in my dreams last night. We were cuddling on the couch like we usually do. We were watching a really scary movie and I could almost feel you quivering. You pulled my chin down and stared directly at my eyes. When you grabbed my chin it felt so...real and I never wanted you to let go. Slowly you inch your way closer to my face, until you closed the gap in between us. It was the most perfect kiss I ever had. Yet it wasn't real. So when I woke up and found that you weren't beside me, I started to cry.

**Day One Hundred Thirty-Nine:**

I ran into Kairi today. She's been doing well, not that that's surprising. She had always been so selfish and it took this long to realize it. She asked me how I was doing, though I highly doubt she cared. Then she began talking about you. I couldn't bear her speaking your name, so I left without another word.

**Day One Hundred Fourty to One Hundred Fourty-Four:**

I slept through those entire four days.. There's not much to talk about. All I could say is that it felt good to see you again, that's why I found it hard to wake. So I continued sleeping. I just wanted to see you, and hear you again.

**Day One Hundred Fourty-Five:**

Axel came over today. He looked at me and gave me a grim look. He saw that I was starting to look like my old skinny self again. Which wasn't good. He then invited me to come up to his cabin with Roxas to spend the next three weeks with him. I politely declined but the two again, begged me to go and then I couldn't refuse. I told them we should leave after tomorrow since I needed to take care of some business first. Then didn't mind it at all, they were just excited that I seemed enthusiastic about this.

**Day One Hundred Fourty-Six:**

Today I went out and bought twenty-one lilies for you. I know I will be at Axel's cabin for the next two or so weeks and I wouldn't be able to visit you. After I placed them on your grave, I made my way home and packed my suitcases.

**Day One Hundred Fourty-Seven to One Hundred-Sixty-Eight:**

Throughout the entire three weeks I spent here, I pretty much did the same thing everyday. We left early in the morning, just before the sun came up. The drive to the cabin was about two and a half hours long. I just slept my way through the entire ride. Hoping you would talk to me again.

When we arrived, we unpacked our stuff. The cabin had three bedrooms. I had one to myself and Roxas and Axel shared one. When we finished, Axel wanted to go for a quick swim in the lake, so we did.

After the swim which lasted until about noon, we drove out to the nearest diner, which was about ten minutes away. There was a waitress there, named Selphie. She would always use to try to flirt with me. She stopped after the first after, I stopped giving her the time of day. I know that was kinda rude, but I didn't want her to try to flirt with me while I'm in this current state.

At night we would get blankets out and lay under the starry skies. We all would stay up and watch the stars until dawn. But sometimes, Axel likes to start up campfires. Did I mention that Axel's quiet the pyromaniac? Well I did now. He's actually quite obessess with fire. He carries a lighter around with him every where he goes, even though he doesn't smoke. He says it's for "special purposes." Whatever that means.

On nights Axel started the campfires, we would all stay out and roast marshmellows. Then after that we would each take turns telling each other scary stories. It felt like being a kid all over again. However throughout the entire trip, I couldn't help but think about you. I couldn't but think about how you would enjoy these kinds of trips.

On the very last day, it was very eventful. It was the around noon. We had just came back from a hike through the woods, when Axel did something unexpected. He brought out a cake, stood down on one knee and proposed to Roxas. It was such a beautiful sight to see. Two lovers finally able to marry each other. Axel asked me to be his best man. I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness for him. But hidden behind those tears of happiness were tears of sadness. I knew how much you loved weddings Sora. You always had a dream to have the biggest one in the history of the island.

Roxas was growing up so fast. I could just remember like it was yesterday when I first met the two of you. You two looked so much alike that I couldn't tell who was who. It wasn't until Roxas got a hair cut and dyed his hair blonde that I was able to recognize him from you.


	7. Final Eleven

**My Final Eleven Days**

**Day One Hundred-Sixty-Nine:**

I got back today. I missed this old place. Even leaving it for just one day, I felt like I've been gone for years. As I unpack and put my stuff back, I found one of your old shirts I got for you during our trip to Disney World. It said on the front "I'll Be Your Mickey." I remember you begging me to get this for you because of your love for Disney. Then you made me buy a matching one just like so we could be 'Mickey Buddies."  
That night, I slept with it snuggled up.

**Day One Hundred-Seventy:**

Roxas wanted to go out and eat lunch today. My stomach gurgled in response, so I agreed. I guess it was just an excuse to stop torturing myself with these dreams that I've been having. We passed by the cemetery on our way to the restaurant. I quickly made Roxas pull over. He gave me a strange look before following my rushing body out the door and headed towards your grave. I had never visited your grave with anyone else before so I felt quite nervous. I told him about your favorite song being Teenage Dream, so we both decided to sing it for you. Our voices bounced from tombstone to tombstone, echoing throughout the cemetery. I hope you liked it. But I kind of miss me just singing it to you, alone. So I think I'll just stick with me visiting you alone. By the way, the food was great. I finally regained my appetite. Not that it matters.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-One:**

I visited my mother today. Right after I visited you of course. I spent the entire day, lounging around the house, catching up with everyone. It felt nice to be with my family again, but it hurt that I'll be leaving them soon. When I pecked my mom on the cheek, baring my farewell to her, she held me close. She didn't want me to leave, and she made it clear that I will be staying for the night.

I guess I should have the decency to spend more time with my family before I leave.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Two:**

I spent the day at the park with my family. I sat on the bench and read my journal while everyone else enjoyed themselves. I've written a lot Sora, but it's not enough. It never will be enough. After taking everyone to some Sea-Salt Ice cream and spending some time around the fire we had started, I said my final goodbyes.

I held them tightly in my arms, I swear they couldn't breathe. I hugged them with all thre strength I had, letting them know how much I loved them. I gave my mom my final kiss to her, on her cheek and headed towards my car.

It was the last time I would ever be seeing them again.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Two:**

I made peace with Kairi today. I know how much you didn't like her, and she was part of the reason you left. But I just couldn't leave without making sure every bridge I had burned was rebuilt again.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Three:**

I spent the entire day with Roxas and Axel thinking of wedding ideas. It pains me to know that I can't be the best man to my best friend. After I spent the day with them, I visited your grave and left you two lilies.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Four:**

The boys insisted we go sight seeing today. They hoped that they could get some ideas for their wedding. So we spent the entire hopping around from tourist attraction to tourist attraction around the island with them. I don't mind it this time, seeing as this is one of the last few days I will be spending with them.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Five:**

Where'd you go? You weren't in my dream last night. I'm starting to feel lonely again.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Six:**

I sneaked off to the store when non of the boys were paying attention. I grabbed a large bottle of pills and didn't give the cashier a second glance. I'm going the same way as you Sora. I owe you that much.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Seven:**

The urge to take the pills was very hard to resist. But I'm not done living my final days yet. Today I called everyone I know and told them how much I loved them, most of them questioned it, but I of course reassured them and told them I was feeling lovely. And of course, they believed me.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Eight:**

The entire day I spent watching Disney Movies. I watched all the way from Snow White all the way to Toy Story 3. After an exhausting long day, I went up to my room and allowed myself to get a final good night's sleep.

**Day One Hundred Seventy-Nine:**

I visited your grave for the last time today. I left you a hundred and seventy-nine lilies. One for each day without you. I sang to you your favorite song again, and this time I could hear you sing it with me. It sounded really close too. So I knew my time was close.

I'm going to take the entire bottle of pills. I locked myself in our bedroom and wore all your Mickey Mouse shirt and your favorite pair of jeans, I wanted to inhale the dissipating smell of you as I take my final breaths.

A hundred and seventy-nine days without you felt like an eternity. It's impossible to stay here any longer. I have your journal and note in my trembling hands Sora, and I'm nervous as fuck. I'm going to leave these here so they could easily be found when I was gone. They were yours to begin with. My heart is poured into this journal Sora and, my heart is yours. I'll be seeing you soon,

I love you,  
-Riku xoxo


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Some say that love is the most powerful emotion a person can feel. It overtakes every sense and fiber in your being. Weaving it's way through your soul and killing you from the inside out. It deteriorates your common sense, causing you to do stupid things in the name of love.

That's what they theorized. When they found Riku's cold, unmoving body covered in Sora's duvet, wearing Sora's old clothes, it was the only explanation at the time. When the paramedics arrived, it was too late, and he was gone. Axel and Roxas had lost yet another friend. They stood there crying into each other over the loss of one of their best friend's

Riku stared down at them, a sad smile stretched across his lips as he witnessed his body being pulled off from the bed, and out away from the flat. He watched as the boys dropped to the floor, crying their hearts out. He couldn't help but want to reach out and comfort them, but knew it wasn't possible.

They began blaming themselves. Saying that they hadn't been there for him enough, which only led Riku to stare at them in frustration. He was happy now, and he wanted them to be happy for him.

Riku felt a hand pull at his shoulder, and her turned around to face a pair of bright blue eyes-blinking, moving, everything. He smiled at the boy before him, who stood, smiling back with a goofy smily. Tears were brimming the two boys eyes as they turned back to face their best friends, whom they had hurt so badly in their fight for love.

"You ready?" Sora asked, turning Riku's attention back to him. Riku only nodded, and Sora tood ahold of his hand, leading far away into his new life.

"I love you." Riku whisphered.  
"I love you too."

The two of them then walked off, hand in hand, humming to Teenage Dream together. Riku looked over to view Sora, the boy he loved for so long but didn't realize just how much, and the one who caused him so much pain in his previous life. Now they had a new life, one where they could spend the rest of eternity. Together.


	9. Sora's Note

Dear Ri,

At first I was going to write something sort and quick, getting straight to the point, you know? Well, that plan basically failed, because there are so many things I want to tell you. There are so many things that I have left unsaid and this is my last chance to say them. I realized that by the time you get this you probably already found me, and you're probably sitting alone in the apartment at this moment.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

I don't want to leave you, I really don't. How does one just get up and leave the person they are completely in love with? Yes Riku, you read that correctly. I love you. I Sora Michael Pierceston loves Riku James Landon. I've loved you for so long and it has slowly been eating away at me, tearing apart from the seams until now I am just an empty shell buring with a passion for someone who is complete oblivious. It's not your fault though. God Ri, don't ever blame yourself. You were the reason I stay for so long. You gave me hope for a brighter future, but a glimmer of hope can only last so long before it completely disappears, and soon enough I was left in the darkness.

I don't want to say my goodbyes yet, though I bet you've already bid your farewell to me. I'm not ready to end this note. You need to know how much I love you.

Do you know what I love about you the most Riku? Well, I absolutely fucking  
love your laugh. I think it's what I may miss the most about this path I'm heading. I won't be able to hear your ringing voice anymore, or see the light twinkle inside eyes as you burst into laughter. I'm not sure I'll be able to see or hear anything.

But I need you to promise one thing okay? I want you to promise me to never stop smiling. Never stop laughing. And never leave Roxas and Axel. They need you. You're strong enough Ri, you've always been strong to me. I feel completely selfish, leaving you all, and I sincerely apologize for the pain I will-or have already caused you.

Tell Roxas and Axel I love them too, alright?

Anyways, back to business.

Another I love about is that your ability to turn any situation into a positive one. It could be the dreariest day on Earth, and I would still be able to see your glimmering smile against the gray atmosphere of the outside world. God I love your smile, please keep smiling?

I remember one time during our spring break over in Radiant Garden, we were at this restaurant and there was this short honey brown hairws lady-I bet you're thinking of the memory right now, aren't you? She walked up to our table with the worst scowl on her face, absolutely looking pissed off that she had to serve four loud, obnoxious and wild boys. When she arrived at our table, you turned and flashed her your bright smile, and it was almost as if her frown melted right off. You have that effect on people Ri. I've always loved how much of a people person you are.

I sure know that whenever I was ever feeling down, you were the first person I went to. You always knew how to make everything better, and I would leave you with the brightest grin on my face. You wouldn't leave me be until I was truthfully happy again. That's another thing I love: your persistence.

I'm going to miss everything about you, you know. I miss the old days, where you and I would just muck around in the apartment, watching old Disney movies or simply cuddling on the couch, talking about everything and nothing. You're my best friend, you know that right?

This note is completely all over the place, and I'm sorry. My brain is just isn't functioning right now, probably because of how completely frightened I am. I'm so scared Ri, and I just wish I could run to you right now, telling you everything. I wish I could run to you and you would tell me the words I ache to hear come from your mouth. I want you to tell me to not do this, and not leave you behind. But I can't do that to you. I can't put the burden on your shoulders. I know if you knew, you would do everything to keep me here, but I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do.

I guess now I should probably tell you exactly why I'm leaving. It's quite a difficult thing to describe I guess, the feeling of your heart slowly shattering inside your chest. It all started about a year and a half ago, when you announced that you had asked Kairi out, and the two of you were officially dating. At that moment, I swore there was a large cracking sound right where my heart was supposed to be, and I knew then that I loved you. I guess I had known it for a long time, but I just hadn't been honest with myself. Kairi helped me realize how much I really love you, so I guess I should thank her for that. But then again, she is part of the reason why I'm leaving. I like her, but at the same time, I absolutely despise her.

Do you know what it's like to sit back and watch the person you love, loving somebody else? It's absolute hell, I'll tell you that. It's torture. Every time she comes around, I feel as though I've been kicked in the chest a million times repeatedly, and my head throbs erratically. It's not that I don't like her, she's a lovely girl Ri, and I'm glad you have somebody like her to love. Maybe it's simply my jealousy speaking, but I feel as though I could treat you better. I've always been here for you, through the bad and good and everything in between, I was there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is—she doesn't love you as much as you think she does, and it hurts to see. I see the way you look at her, and it's not hard to tell that you're completely in love. But with her, it's just… not there. She loves you; don't get me wrong, but not as strongly as you'd like her to.

As for me, my love for you is so strong, it's slowly killing me inside.

God, this sounds conceited or selfish in a way… doesn't it? That's the last thing I wanted, really. I'm happy for you. Truly. She's just not right for you, and maybe one day you'll realize that maybe you loved me too. But I just can't stay here any longer and watch you love her, while I'm slowly pushed into the shadows.

What other reasons are there, you ask? Well, to be honest I'm just through with living. I've never been the happiest person, and it's sort of just a condition I've grown up with. Honestly, I'm surprised I lasted this long living. You were the sun in my life, brightening up my world with just your existence. I guess that's why I stayed as long as I did. Well, that and the boys.

Tell Roxas I love him. He's my brother and I'll always love him no matter what. I know I just won't be there to help cheer him later in life.

Tell Axel it's all going to be ok. I always like him. Something about his funny personality that always got a laugh out of me.

And then we have you, Riku James Landon. The name just sends shivers down my spine, along with the image of you that's burning in my mind at this moment. It hurts to know that out of everyone, you'll probably take this the hardest. I hate the fact that I'm the one that's hurting you. Though I will be gone soon, just know that I will never leave you. Okay Ri? I will NEVER leave you. I made that promise a long time ago and I will stick to that promise forever. I may not be here physically for you, but I'll always be with you in your heart.

Whenever you need me, I'll be there with you. And I'll be waiting for you in my next life, for the day that you finally join me—which I hope is a long time from now. You deserve a long, happy life. Though I'll miss you, I don't want you to leave until you've lived your life completely. I'll still be here when you decide it's your time… but as for me, my time's up.

You're probably on the verge of waking up now, which gives me limited time to get things done. I'm sitting on the cold bathroom floor right now, shivering in just my boxers as I write this note. I'm sorry for the tears stains, I never meant for there to be any evidence of my cries. The bottle of pills is in my hand.

I really don't want to explain the process I'm about to go through, but I just want you to know that I'm not going painfully. I have a large bottle of painkillers, and I'm going to take the entire thing. It's the most peaceful and least messy scenario my mind could think of, and I sure hope it's enough.

I'm sure this note is pretty long by now… but there's just one last thing I want you to do for me, though I've asked for so much already.

Please take care of my mother and my brothers and sister. They're going to need somebody there for them. I know you think of them as second family, so it shouldn't be hard to keep in touch just because I'm gone, right?

Anyways, I just took the whole bottle. The pills slid down my throat easily, just as I thought they would. Shit, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have written that. I said I didn't want you to know the process, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you.

I'm beginning to feel woozy, and my eyesight is getting fuzzy. It's hard to stand up. I'm scared Riku. I know it was my decision, and it's too late to turn back now, but I'm still so scared. My body's beginning to go numb, and I find myself unable to write steadily for very long.

So I guess this is where I leave you. I'm placing this note in the bottom left drawer in the bathroom, though I guess you don't need directions because that is where you'll find it. I don't know if that made sense, my mind is beginning to slow down.

I love you, I love you so fucking much. Don't you ever forget that. Don't you dare forget. I'll be seeing you later okay?

-Sora  
xoxo

_And there you have it guys, my little sad story about a failed Riku and Sora romance. So how did you guys like it?_


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